Sitting here in Bali, staring out over the infinite blue ocean on Morgan and I’s 2 year wedding anniversary I stared at this blank piece of paper, poised, ready to spill my heart on to the page for too many minutes this morning, not even knowing where to begin on the subject.
I have so much to say on Love and relationships but at the same time always feel in a space between ‘you have so much to learn young padwan’ and ‘how can you even begin to try to cover such a huge subject’.
So instead of being stuck, I thought I’d just start.
You see, Relationships and love IS somewhat (read; extremely) of a deep deep passion of mine. Observing (with love) them, being in one, helping others feel out their own, but something I rarely write about – which I know in my heart is about to change.
And what does a young girl like me know about love you might ask (primarily if you’re a new reader to the blog, and if you are, welcome). Well, Morgan and I just returned from Bali where we celebrated our 2-year wedding anniversary. It’s funny though, because even saying 2 years though feels odd to me, like we are so brand new and fresh again (albeit we are, having decided our marriage WOULD feel different and ‘new’) considering we have actually been in each others lives romantically, spiritually and emotionally for going on 12 years now.
At our engagement party, back in April 2012, we asked our guests to write some love advice for us to open and read on our 1 year wedding anniversary (as the ‘theme’ for your 1 year is paper) – however come last year we ended up having far too much fun out and about down south so never actually stopped on our day to read them.
This year however, we committed we would. So under the Bali sun, with some cold Veuve in hand we opened them all (some read with us on Facebook Live for the first time) – and here is what OTHERS (our nearest and dearest) advised us on love.
“When you wake in the morning, kiss and hug and be grateful for one another day together – life is precious”.
“Never go to bed angry”.
“Always remember to have time for each other”.
“Tell each other you love the other at least once a day”.
“Phone sex communication”. – HA!!!
“When the going gets tough, hold each other, look in to each others eyes and remember you still have your whole lives ahead of you”.
“Always remember that first moment that you set eyes upon one another”.
“When in doubt, sex it out”.
“Morgan, take the rubbish out, it’s the mans job to do the bin and take the wheelie bin out to the road”.
“Respect each other”.
“Don’t go to bed at night without sorting out any differences”.
“Happy wife, happy life”.
“Have date nights where you only focus on yourselves”.
“Laugh a lot, communicate often, don’t mention breaking up, and focus on the good in each other”.
“Always share everything with one another, regardless of how you’re feeling at the time, it’s important to draw on each others strengths in difficult times”.
“Don’t stop having sex at least once a week”.
“Love is all you need in the end”.
“Don’t forget to make love every now and then, fucking is okay for the rest of the time”.
“Remember Corinthians chapter 13 always – love is patient and love is kind”.
“No man has ever been shot for doing the dishes”.
“Send love letters”.
“Always make an effort to be sexy. Even if you don’t feel like it – never underestimate the magic of stilettos!”
Ok so apart from some very (fabulous and slightly predictable) hilarious sex pieces of advice (all of which I absolutely have to say are great pieces of advice) I feel it’s covered off all the generally prescribed and tried and trusted advice.
Not going to be angry – got it.
Date nights – for sure a staple in our relationship.
Respect one another – it’s one of our highest values so we are g.o.o.d there.
And so on and so forth.
But how about the stuff that REALLY makes a relationship work and the secret / not so secret (you decide) magic that comes from this.
Just show up wholly as you are and practice unconditional love (just do your best, it’s never going to be perfect).
There are so many depths and layers upon beautiful layers contained in just those 2 statements alone but the crux of it is this.
The fastest way to put a shitty vibe on or over a relationship (or marriage) and to start to feel disconnected is to start to try to change or force either partner in to being or feeling someone they are not.
Over the 12 years Morgan and I have been together (10 of which official, 12 we were just too young and dumb to work out who we were or what we wanted) 12 of them have seen us be different people at different times, have energy growth spurts before or after the other, disagree with certain people or things or directions the other has headed in and an avalanche of other differences and directions – but for 12 years we have loved each other unconditionally.
That’s the greatest gift to bring in a relationship that I know for sure.
So you might be getting in to personal development courses sooner or more often than your partner – that’s ok, love him where his at.
Or maybe you have developed a rocking morning routine and your partner is still hitting snooze whilst you’re up and exercising in this new healthy lifestyle – this is your choice to now show up fully, allow him the grace to find his own journey with it.
Or maybe you are watching less TV in the evenings now and working on exciting projects to try to move your life forward and but your husband / bf is rocking out his PlayStation/Xbox still (this was a big one in our relationship). That’s COOL. That is what makes HIM happy, he loved you and didn’t put expectations on you when you used to sit and watch those same TV shows with him.
If you truly love your partner, speaking from experience – trust that he will find his own way to your new path eventually, but in his own way and especially in his own time.
Your job is just to keep showing up for YOURSELF and you’ll have a far greater impact just being a beautiful example than trying to force or coerce change.
When you can just show up in your relationship wholly as you are, beautiful parts of you, the not so beautiful parts of you, and hold space for your partner to do the same – that is unconditional love, THAT is creating magic in any relationship.
And here is the thing – it can sometimes (read; often) feel really messy living in to those two core fundamentals, and you might fail again and again and again (because I know I sure do) but remind yourself that life is never about perfection, its so beautifully about progress – and as long as you can consciously catch yourself and try your best for ‘next time’ – then you’ll have a love and relationship far greater than any Disney fairy-tale promised us as children.
[ Image: https://au.pinterest.com/pin/AcebMjcVpNQY2xaXcLoeM_HEoihSIi4lGx_LOz9xUk4HcPUqRYWRsis/ ]